A lot of relationships, and more than a few marriages, are founded on 70% filler and 30% love. It’s like the hamburger at the fast food restaurant that cost 99 cents. Do you really believe you’re getting 100% ground beef, ketchup, mustard and a bun for only 99 cents? You know you’re not getting 100% ground beef but you don’t think about it. You just eat it and say it tastes good ignoring the awareness that you just ate 30% meat and 70% of who knows what that can only be described as filler.
Is your relationship like the 99 cents fast food hamburger? When you met your spouse, mate, lover, or significant other, there was a real connection, a genuine chemistry. You thought, this might last. You introduce them to your friends and family. They come with you to the Christmas party, family reunions, funerals, doctor visits, thanksgiving dinner. Friends start asking questions about y’all getting married and you giggle, oh we’re not there yet but the image of y’all living under the same roof makes you warm all over. Six months pass, nine months pass, you’re getting close to a year and marriage, is a very real possibility.
At this point, depending on a variety of individual circumstances, you may move in together or get married. Either way, y’all are now under the same roof when the sun rises and sets. But what brought the two of you under the same roof? Was it 100% love or 70% filler and 30% love? Just like in that hamburger, that filler can be made of who knows what. Are y’all together because of feelings of inadequacy, lust, great sex, insecurities, because neither of you want to be alone, or for money, to portray an image for others, or thinking I’m not getting any younger, this might be my last chance.
Creating a life of happiness and fulfillment requires the people in your life to want the same type of life. I’ve been divorced twice. I know firsthand what it’s like to share a bed with someone who doesn’t have the same pursuits and values. This doesn’t mean they’re bad or don’t have it all together. They’re just not a fit for you and you’re not a fit for them. Our society isn’t about the pursuit of happiness, fulfillment, and purpose but the pursuit of money, things, and a good time. This is why it can be a challenge to find someone desiring your same ideals.
If the ingredients in your relationship are those fillers instead of love, you won’t have the support and understanding necessary to create this lifestyle or the support may be there initially but it will wane. Your significant other may call you selfish, thoughtless. You’ll be told you don’t have your priorities in order. You’ll be asked to continue in that job that pays well, that allows you to have that nice car, nice home and take your two week vacation every year but is sucking the life out of you. You’ll be told that life isn’t fair, sometimes you have to accept things as they are. But you’re empty, unhappy and frustrated every minute of every day.
If the ingredient in your relationship is love instead of fillers, you’ll find support for you and the things you want to do that enable you to grow and define yourself. There will be understanding and compromise because the person you’re with is on a similar journey. There will be admiration and respect for your efforts to create and define you.
Every relationship isn’t meant to last till death do us part. You have an obligation to yourself to be happy, fulfilled and loved. These aren’t to be hoped for or asked for. These are feelings you should wake each day in pursuit of and anyone not promoting the same for you and themselves should have a limited role in your life. I made the choice to marry twice and I made the choice to divorce twice. It was difficult and there were hurt feelings but in the end it gave both of us the opportunity to grow, become wiser, and continue to pursue the life we desired. I can’t tell you to leave or to stay but whenever you choose not to live in your truth you are doing yourself a great disservice.
Is your relationship made up of fillers or love? You’ll find the answer when you start creating a life of happiness, fulfillment, and love.
Until next time, remember, your only purpose is to be happy.