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Annette raised five daughters. She was a grandmother at 33, had twelve grandchildren. Six of them lived with her till they finished elementary school. She worked two jobs, sometimes three, never owned a home, never owned a new car, never been a plane, never took a full week of vacation, never had more than $1000, never married. Dead at 56.
I looked down at the body of my former-mother-in-law. The white, quilted, satin lining of the casket surrounded her comfortably. She didn’t look tired anymore. Loving, kind, giving, compassionate but beyond all of those wonderful characteristics was a woman who never lived. I looked at her and wondered what were her dreams, her goals. What did the little girl inside of her long to do, long to become? It was her life and she chose to live that way but what influenced her choice?
There’s a commonly held belief that it’s better to give than to receive. It is better to give than to receive but give to who? Better to give to friends, family, your children, strangers, someone in need? Or is it better to give to yourself? And what are you giving?
I want you to do something to help you visualize what I’m talking about. Put an empty cup or glass in the sink and turn the faucet on. Fill the glass as close as you can to the rim and turn the water off. Imagine you are the glass and the water in the glass is love, good food, healthy thoughts, physical activity, reading time, rest, quiet time, meditating, volunteering, creative time, and anything else you want good in your life. All of these things represent the water in the glass and you are the glass. Now turn the faucet on again and let the water continue to run into the glass. All of the water flowing over the top of the glass is the extra you have to give to your children, husband, significant other, friends, family, strangers, someone in need or your work.
Here’s another way to look at it. It’s the middle of August, the temperature is above 98 degrees. The sun stings your face neck and arms. You’ve been outside for hours. All you want is a drink of water. You don’t care if it’s warm or cold. You just want some water. You remember your water bottle in the car. You squeeze it and a stream of water gushes into your mouth. It’s so good. You squeeze it again but nothing comes out. You keep squeezing, wanting more, expecting more but there is no more. You feel frustrated, disappointed, unfulfilled.
Now imagine you’re the water bottle. A close friend, or a sibling, one of your children, or a relative has a need. They need a kind word, some advice, an ear to listen to them, help with a project, a shoulder to cry on. They pick you up and squeeze. They get a burst of love, support, help, compassion. They squeeze again but nothing comes out. They squeeze you again and nothing. They keep squeezing, wanting, expecting more but there is no more. They feel frustrated, disappointed, and unfulfilled. They need more but you have no more to give because you haven’t taken the time to fill yourself. You haven’t made it a priority to keep yourself full so that you have something you can pour into others. You’re always giving but you’re not giving to the one who needs it the most. You.
Ask yourself, how can I give to others what I have not allowed myself to have? How can you offer your best when you are physically rundown and emotionally drained?
This is an especially important lesson for women because society has, by default, placed the expectation of caring and nurturing on the woman. Yes, women are more suited to care and nurture but that doesn’t mean they have to sacrifice their dreams, goals and aspirations, in the service of family, friends and those in need. There can be a balance. There should be a balance.
You have an obligation to live and have the experiences you want to have. Not just a motherly experience, a wife experience, or a career experience but those experiences that only make you happy. It’s your obligation to do the things that fulfill you, make your heart leap, make your energy soar. There can be a balance between caring for your family and those you love and having the experiences you want to have. Stop feeling guilty when you take time for yourself. You deserve what you do for yourself and don’t allow anyone to make you feel like taking time for you is taking away from them.
In order to create a life of meaning, happiness, and fulfillment, you must understand you are valuable above all others. Love begins with you and how you treat and respect yourself. Always putting others first will produce frustrations and a resentment towards yourself. Always being the person everyone can lean on, everyone can count on, sends the message to yourself and to others, you are willing to be second. You’re not here to save the world and there’s no honor in suffering and sacrifice for the sake of suffering and sacrifice.
Value and protect your time. Seek out the experiences you want to have and don’t allow anyone to make you feel guilty when you take time for yourself. Is it better to give than to receive? Yes, as long as you give to yourself first. This will ensure you always have enough to give to others.
Until next time, remember, your only purpose is to be happy.
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